Opinions on my novel? (1st chapter) Critisism welcome!?


This is the first chapter of my «novel» and I really want the public’s unbiased views. (NOTE: You can’t really indent or italize on this… so..)

The rickety old red two-seat car whistled to a stop. The shiny cars at the intersection whirred slowly by and the old luggage in the back seat rattled and jolted back as the car stopped. I ticked the steering wheel impatiently with my fingers. I was moving in with my loud older brother Jude and his wild friends. The tiny apartment was filled with beige and brown from tiny, plain dorms from the guys’ college days. I sat quietly pushing the pedal lightly, nearly finishing my long trip from home.

I lugged my suitcase out of the cramped elevator and made my way up to Jude’s apartment. After a short, quick series of knocks, the doorknob twisted.

“You must be Alex!” A handsome man at the door smiled. He had strong, rugged features, and dark shaggy hair. “I’m River. Jude’s told me so much about you.”

He hugged me around the shoulders, and I could feel the muscles on his arms on the nape of my neck.

He kept his arm around my shoulder, and grabbed the suitcase from my hand. “I’ll take this upstairs for you.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling up at him. River looked at me, smiling, and lowered his arm from my shoulder to my mid-waist. I tensed, and my back arched involuntarily. However, his hand wasn’t uncomfortable. It felt normal, as if his touch had been there my entire life. He must have felt my strain, because his hand slid back up to cup my shoulder.

“You know where my brother is?”

“I’m not sure. He’s somewhere around here,” he said. He then shouted in a smooth voice, “Jude!”

I smiled at him timidly. I hadn’t known this man for more than a minute, and I already couldn’t bring myself to talk.

“Jude?” I said, cupping my hand next to my mouth.

“Lex!” he yelled, running out of a room at the end of the long hallway. I hugged him as strongly as I could. “I’m so excited you’re here! I see you met River.”

“Yeah, we met.” He said, said, smiling a calm grin at me.

“Good. You’ll love it here, Lex!” Jude beamed.

“I’m so happy to be here too! It’s so good to see you and River,” I said. River turned and went into what I assumed was his room, in a fluid, even movement. I turned to Jude, and asked, “Where’s my room?”

“Let me show you,” he smirked. He opened a door to a modest twin bed without sheets and a window without dressings. How lovely.

“This is…nice,” I said, exaggerating my pause, and rolling my eyes while keeping our eye contact. I crossed my arms. I added dramatically, “Wow, there’s no revamp needed here at all!”

“You can do whatever you want with it. Paint, whatever.” He said. He then mumbled indistinguishable words under his breath.

I narrowed my eyes. “Fine.”

“Okay then,” Jude added awkwardly, and left the room. I sighed and began to unpack my things into a dark-stained wood dresser. I sighed at the dull surroundings, and tensed at the sound of knock on the door.

“Hey. How’s the moving in going?” River’s voice sounded as he opened the door. He leaned his back against the wall, and folded his arms.

“Fine,” I answered abruptly. He walked over to me and sat behind me on my plain, undressed bed.

“You don’t need any help?” He asked, in an obvious attempt to be polite.

“I…I’m fine, thanks, thanks anyways though.” I stuttered nervously, and tucked away a strand of hair. I looked over my shoulder and saw him looking peaceful and happy behind me.

“Well, if you need any help, I’ll be there,” he said, shrugging and walking out the door. I sighed. I finished unpacking as fast as I could, and set my colossal makeup bag and bottle of perfume on my dresser. Looking around at the dull surroundings again, I decided to go out and search for items for my room.

I grabbed my purse, and walked to the door. I shouted, “I’m going to be out if anyone needs me!”

Running came from the other end of the apartment.

“Hey, can I come?” River asked, with eyes as wide and shiny as marbles.

“I’m going shopping for my room,” I said, clutching my purse and biting my lip.

“Can I come anyways?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, and smiled.


Your book has a fairly good start! I love romance books which looks like this ones heading that direction…. It has a small margin for improvement though….

The character River had a good introduction shadowing that Lex will fall for him in some way…. But if you put them together right away you will have writers block sooner…. I suggest creating a little bit a tention between them first (akward flirting, stuff like that) then in chapter 3 or so have one ask the other out or have a spontanious kiss y a local lake or something!

If you dont want to wait for there little romance then go for it but let the characters get to know eachother a little bit more first, in the entry you posted he sounds lkike a player who just wants to «get some»….. i say this because they know eachother for less than 3 minutes and he already has his hands on her waist

Hope this helps

OH and if you want to make things a lil bit interesting make it a secret love (hide relationship from brother then randomly he finds out via finding them kissing or «walking in») or even an old fashioned love triangle (make her emotions split between two people…. an old boyfriend or childood crush and the new sexy rugged man)

Any way you do your book you sound like you will make it GREAT!!!


tried writing a few of my own books and i LOVE to read


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